They say when you talk matters of the heart, you should share something of your own, something you know many others must have done too! This experience is mine, and of lots of other people. People who get into relationships even though it came with an expiration date stamped boldly across its face.
In honor of the fact that I am not the only one who ever felt this, I am being brutally honest about how bad the end of my first real relationship makes me feel! I got into a relationship with someone I knew I had no future with. Though we tried breaking it off with multiple reasons, we just got back with more intensity right after. Through long distance, being away and the curse of never building dreams together our love never faded. But as the expiry was long overdue, it finally ended. And I knew it was coming and people saying “You knew this was going to happen” just made it worse.
I myself started using “I knew this was going to happen…but…” as a preface before venting out my feelings to friends and family. And that’s true, we knew it was not going to last. But that really does not change any aspect of how bitterly it hurts. Don’t we apply to our dream colleges, pay thousands in fees, move to a hostel, and make friends that live with us 24 x 7. Those friends who become bigger and more loved than any of our school friends etc. Then the course ends and we move ahead to various cities and take up jobs. We adopt pets, love them and live with them. Experience unending unconditional love and for that period of 10/15/20 years they are everything to us. We have room mates who teach us life lessons and one day just get up and move away to another place. We know all of this before we begin feeling any of it. It still hurts.
Yes I knew it was coming, does not make me foolish for trying or melo dramatic for expressing genuine heart break. It might be stupid, but it is brave too. Eventually I’ll get over this too. Till then it hurts.
As we read in Eat, Pray, Love “Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be…an insurance policy.”
What if we would never do the things that would end, that means no weekend getaways, no splendid meals, no gripping books & no pets? Temporariness is the heart of humanity. Endings are difficult but it is what completes an experience it makes us stronger, better, valuable and thankful. I think what I did was brave, I was brave enough to feel a feeling so strong that even though I knew the end was near I let myself live it all along.
As for the end of this, I will miss him, love him, send him love through my thoughts and dreams, live in his memories, and make it bigger than my whole being.
Then all at once. I will Drop it. Just like that. Close the book, checkout from my dream palace, pay the bill for that meal, and bury that furry ball of love.
Move on. & Do it all over again.