As I cribbed to mom about going away somewhere to find “inner peace” she said “How can you possibly find it outside when it’s called “INNER” peace.” Most questions you’re striving to solve, have their answers hidden n the questions itself. Look harder she said.
I’ve read countless articles and watched too many movies that tell us how we need to cut out the toxic from our lives. The jobs, the places, the friends, the lovers. They said remove them all. Anything that does not make you happy should not be in your life. Anything that consumes you, makes you hate yourself needs to be deleted. So then we go ahead and do it. Sometimes with great courage and no future plans, we simply quit.
What nobody ever tells us about is what happens next. You know how some movies are entirely about how girl meets boy and they fall in love, it promptly ends on a wedding scene and it’s assumed that there is a happily ever after. And there are the new age films that show you a dysfunctional relationship and how unhappy the people are which promptly ends at the break-up scene and a confident walk assumably the happily ever after. How do some marriages end up in a divorce? How does one deal with rebounds, and loneliness after a long relationship? What if there is a ‘Happily Never After’ ? Loved ones are lost, relationships break, sometimes you don’t quit-you get fired. Sometimes you are not free, you are left out. Even after being the decider.
With the extremely strong examples around us, of choosing to be happy even if that causes sadness to someone else. What happens after we make the decision to remove the toxic? Something that consumed you all day, all night; someone that kept you on my toes with expectations to be met, work to be done, justifications to be given and also to be a certain way is gone. You chose this. It gave you happiness, yes, momentarily. But it makes people lonely. People these days leave so easily, with not even as much as a last conversation. Then begins this unending wait for closure. The what ifs, the I should have said this, the- we should have done that…and thoughts that start filling up the void. The void you didn’t even know you were going to face. Considering, all you ever wanted was freedom, well now that you have it, what do you do with it?
How many trips are going to take? How much alcohol can your body intake? Won’t you get tired of being fake? Will you go crawling back to what you left? or will you just sit there and wait for closure? Over the years, we’ve seen times of impulsive behaviour, times that we were completely at fault and times that we finally stepped up and took a stand. These actions are inevitably followed by guilt, or regret, or vulnerability, for a bit. Till the time we put everything on hold and expect a miraculous happy ending. Till the time you kept looking to getaway to find inner peace. Closure, I’ve realised, is not always a face off, a call, a letter or an email. Closure is accepting yourself for what has happened. Sometimes forgiving the other party in the picture is needed, to finally let go of the grudge. Sometimes forgiving yourself and trying to be better.
It is the most difficult task to do, forgiving yourself or loving yourself. Cause hate comes so easy, it brings it other negative feelings too. Closure from anything that is bothering you is already within you waiting to be simply accepted. The answers are within you, not in the gyaan sort of way, but really. Take in a long deep breath and be prepared for each day as it comes. Soon there will come a time when you’ll be too busy to hold and analyse your past. Till then, let go of those silly expectations, they never come true anyway. Be your own healer. Be Jugni.