Browsing Tag

complicated

Love & Life

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you’re happy; that’s such a lie. I hope you’re happy not without me though.

I thought I saw your car pass by, you in the drivers seat with your silly old glasses humming an annoying song and zooming way beyond speed limit.

I saw you by the window seat in one of our favourite cafes, eating watermelon feta cheese salad, one that I made you eat the first time.

I keep seeing you around town all the time, being completely oblivious to the fact that you don’t even stay in this city, you won’t really be here doing these things. Tell me one thing will you, would you not even stop by to say Hi if ever we cross paths again? Will you not give me a hug and ask me how I am doing?

So here’s something that no one ever told us about this damned age of technology, we have old photos to scroll for hours available on one touch, if we were brave enough to delete them from the gallery, there is always media history in the apps we use. There are location trackers and two million messages to read and eight different social media platforms that help you dive into sinful stalking and therefore either regret or feel the misery.

If we didn’t have all of this, firstly I think relationships would last longer, but if they didn’t atleast we wouldn’t take the effort to look at printed albums of horrible memories, but when everything is with you on this damn smartphone; where is the escape?

They said new experiences, new friends, new work projects will be my easy happy way out of you. Reality check: they either made me guilty of doing them without you, or make me want to call you and tell you all about it, or feel so majorly ridiculous that I just don’t want to do any of it. Travel alone is the top most overrated thing as of today, maybe it really gives you the ultimate taste of freedom, and new feelings and all that. But what if, making new memories alone is just as depressing and as refreshing for the very wounds you’re trying to escape?

Tell me one thing, would you be okay when I’ll look through you if ever we cross paths again? When I’ll not give you a hug, nor ask how you were doing. I can’t seem to accept the fact that you’re nowhere around me. I keep imagining you, I keep wanting you, I keep needing you, I keep loving you. I keep thinking about you, I keep drinking about you constantly obsessing about if you’re out there thinking about me too.

If I get nowhere in life, no dreams fulfilled, no awards, no fame, no coffees in Paris, but if you forgive me, if you forgive us, if I have your hand in mine again, I could die a happy woman. But hang on, Wait; here’s the thing about overrated stuff, not all of it is exaggerated. Although I’m pouring my heart out to you today, soon enough I’m going to be content, with no remorse, and truly happy for finally taking a stand for my life and for all you know, it will be the same technology and the same travel stories that lead me to fulfilling all my dreams that you once laughed on.

Love & Life Uncategorized

Don’t be gentle, when you leave. Tear me apart.

When our time comes, which you know it does so often. Don’t be gentle when you leave.

When we say goodbye for one last time, don’t say a goodbye, say something hurtful with hate.

When I look up to you with craving eyes, make the face of disgust and walk away.

When I beg you to call me,  or hear me just once. Bang the phone and block me.

When I text you telling you that we should rethink this, don’t ever bother replying.

When you hear of me crying over you, go celebrate and don’t forget to do a social media campaign around it.

When I’m fallen on the ground, don’t offer me your hands. Kick some dust and storm away.

So when our time comes, don’t try to be heroic. Crumple my paper heart and dump it.

Because, we both know, if you leave gently, I’ll follow you around like a lovesick puppy. If you leave so gently, my heart will make you see a make believe home where we can make things work. I will build us a dream that will be hard to escape.

If you leave gently, I will ask you to stay.

They all said we wouldn’t last, they said this will fade away. We proved them wrong and stayed strong, only for us to eventually fray. It was paradise, it was war-zone. So I said when you leave me, don’t be gentle. tear me apart so I won’t beg you to stay.

Why then am I so hurt when you merely did what I asked you to do? Our mind can be a hell of its own kind, it makes me constantly believe if I turned you into this or were you always this way.

Hurry up now, don’t stop, don’t look back to see the salt on my cheeks. You are almost there, go dive into another heart and forget that we ever existed.

And hey, when you leave her, remember, don’t be gentle, don’t make her ask you to stay.

Love & Life

The one that got away.

You see, your first love isn’t the first person you give your heart to—it’s the first one who breaks it.

And no, maybe you did not have a long tearful breakup, maybe you did. Maybe they left without no warning, maybe they gave you plenty of them. Maybe you just one side-dly built up all these castles in the air when the other went ahead with someone else.

Your heart broke, it was so loud that you could not hear anything else, and the worst was that no one else could hear it from inside of you. And then you picked up your pieces and lead an almost life, but could never stop thinking about the one that got away.

The college crush, the stalker you became.

The marriage proposal from an extended family member, the dreamer you became.

The ex-boyfriend who came back, and the excited teenager you became.

For various reasons and different situations, I have a feeling like we all keep an eye on the one that got away. With all these million social media options, it only became easier to continue guilty pleasures of stalking. An ocassional snapchat, or facebook inboxing, just a friendly iMessage; anything that gets the ball rolling in your favour again. Sometimes, it gives you a huge morale boost to be able to text someone you were attracted to so intensely, now with so much ease and no fuss.

Sometimes, you are just craving to know if they ever felt the same way about you. Sometimes, when you get to know that, you enter a conflict within yourself. Sometimes, it does not bother you. Whereas, sometimes you heave a sigh of relief as you can finally let it go.

Insecurity, creeps in with these little little ideas. Of keeping in touch, just checking in, liking the pictures or meeting a little too often. We are all human beings after all, with a strong tendency to get bored and will to wander off. The most fufilling experiences are the ones that we always wished for or thought of. The could haves and the would haves.

Did your ‘one-that-got-away’ go away to make it better for you? or did they just have someone better?The one that got away, might not necessarily lead to conflicts, if it does you have your answer loud and clear isn’t it? And if you are one of those who wants to focus on the here&now, then shift+delete, this entire scene of keeping an eye on your lost might-be-soulmate. Make better of what you have now, cause if it didn’t happen before, you might have had a pretty big reason to not go ahead with it.

But, feelings can’t be ignored no matter how unjust or unfair they seem. And it’s said somewhere in the world that no one can heal a broken heart, better than the one who broke it. Even if that’s not true, there is today a person somewhere in this world living the life that you imagined, but you are not in it. If that line changes anything, maybe you need to put everything on hold and first clear this out. Speak to that person, find out the reason. Either make peace with it or do something about it that will make you sleep better each night. Find your first love and fix it, don’t get it back, but fix it. Not for anybody else this time, only for you.

Love & Life

Long Days, Longer Thoughts.

The girl who paces up and down between her landline and computer while constantly checking her phone. Am i becoming that girl? desperately waiting for a call, for a message, for a sign that he’s into me you might think. Umm. It’s anything but that. Pacing to and fro all these devices to delete all traits of any communication that I might have had with any human being with a dick. Pardon me for the choice of words, doubting me did not come with logical explanations such as the guy should be about my age, he should be single, he should be physically around me. He need not even be fully alive for my man to doubt my intentions with any one who is a male.

A married client, a 50 year old acquaintance, an employer who is sitting countries away or someone random guy adding me on Facebook. These are only a few instances that make him doubt me, so the phone checking, the call log screening and the trick questions are always happening. It’s not completely his fault, i mean who said a guy is fully crazy that he would do this without a reason. There is no smoke without some fire right?  Yes conversations with men around me are a tad bit informal but that’s simply to hit off an equation that makes work or anything else easier, but is it right for him to scrutinise? So I may have been having repeated conversations with old crushes and a couple of new people who are extra friendly, so am I. He laid his eyes on these conversations and has never been able to trust me again. Infinite apologies and multiple instances of blocking people have all led him to continue doubting my intentions and fuelling his feeling of insecurity.

Point being, an insecure person then does all the things to keep the partner all to himself. Do these things actually get the brownie points of being genuine efforts? or is it all a gimmick to stop the partner from going astray. Insecurity can be pinned as the core concern of my relationship. All I do is an effort to make him feel like I am worthy of his trust and all he does his to make me feel like i do not need any body else. This has been going on for so long that we do not remember our real feelings anymore. It’s that unhealthy habit, which we might or might not ever be able to get out of.

I can hear him shouting my name from downstairs, it’s going to be a good Sunday date. Elaborate plan you know, breakfast and shopping and a movie to end the evening with. Another effort, another day in love.

Rightly put, relationships are hard work, if i really would be so worked up about his insecure ways I would not work so hard on this. And if he really would be so insecure wouldn’t he have left me by now?

P.S: This is a continuation from https://jugniandco.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/long-nights-longer-thoughts/ and is a work of fiction, we might run the whole story for you soon.

Here at Jugni and Co. Stay Tuned.

Love & Life

Long nights. Longer thoughts.

10.30pm

Was thinking of taking a nap, before my night duty begins. It’s a dirty feeling to not be able to roll in to bed whenever I feel like. He likes to talk late in the night. We need to talk about how wrong a person I am, how I have ruined his life, and more of how terribly dishonest I am.
So I was honest with him, when I said how unhappy I was and how I don’t see a future. He worked a way around that. He made me believe how I need to work hard on myself, to make him fall in love with me so then he could work on keeping me happy. Wow. Mind. Blown.

Why don’t we just breakup, you might think? Well I tried, he thinks he’s being a hero and saving the relationship when it feels like he is caging me. He needs me to understand that this is Love, that this is simply his undying affection for me. He likes games. I had thought of that as a good thing, but the games he plays are far from what I had in mind. Mind games, not the simple one or two stories here and there but well planned, plotted manipulative master plans are his forte. Guilt and fear are his two big cards I have figured. Either he can incept a seed of guilt in me for doing or rather even wanting to do a certain thing, or he can instill a serious dose of fear in me like hurting himself or even reaching out to my loved ones. It’s sad how having been in a wonderful close knit family, I hate myself enough for not coming clean in front of my parents or even close friends. Why? Don’t you see it, their first question will be if I’m happy in this, I’m clearly not. I think. Then there are times when my plea for the break-up reaches a point where I use his tactics on him, I threaten him that I will kill myself. Then he says, “OK I’ll leave you. But do not hurt yourself, cause I love you too much. So much that I can even leave you.”

And that is actually the masterstroke. This is the moment where I drop the fight and I feel privileged enough to have him, I need this love. I need him around. Even if it is to suck the life out of me, I realize how twisted we both are. He brings out the worst in me, but don’t I do the same to him? It’s a question that haunts me and as we drag each other into a new night of fights I’m forced to think how nice he is as a friend to his friends, even my friends quite like him as a person. You know I recently watched Gone Girl, and I could not digest the fact that even after all those lies, fights and drama he chose to stay with her. For the world, for their image, for future or simply because of habit.

We grow old with people, we grow into each other’s goods and bads, we become like each other. We see the world like they see it too, we treat each other badly but only feel comfort when we are with each other. I read a hundred different love stories, so many fairytales, they never ever said that Love can become an unhealthy habit. A habit that you cannot quit, like smoking or drinking, a habit that changes who you are completely. And till the time you fully cut off from it, you’ll never know what you really want.

My phone is ringing now, maybe answering the call in a happy tone will save me from tonight’s bout, maybe I could play on the big meeting I have tomorrow, or maybe tonight will be the night where I realize that he is still the only one I want.

12.01am – Signing out.

P.S: This is a (part of) work of fiction, and we might run the whole story for you soon.
Here at Jugni and Co. Stay Tuned.

Love & Life

Intense. Love.

Held by her arm and threw her on the floor.
Lifted her by the hair and dragged her up the stairs.
Smashed a glass bottle above her right ear.
She stared into space, the space in my direction. Like calling out to me. Like screaming in pain. Helpless, hopeless, dying.

I saw her body being taken away. On a stretcher. No one to claim it, no family, no friends, no one. I could not step up, I knew they would kill me too. I wanted to live. I felt disgusted with myself, and was broken for losing her. The history you may ask, its long and complicated. She could not know too much of me, I could not live without her. Should have stayed away, should have not endangered her life.

This life I was living, this work I was doing did not allow me to meet outsiders, to talk to strangers, to fall in love, to live. This life I was living came with an unspoken contract. A contract when breached would take away the one thing I love most. It would have taken her life, I knew, I only hoped for it not to happen. I used her. I thought she would magically get me out of this, she would be my escape route and in turn I would give her a better life too, with me. The possibility of us, kept me going.

Thoughts of me finding and killing that man was my only survival tactic. With each passing day all I want to do is find him and give him a painful death. It grew in my mind like a virus. And that day when the dose was too strong, when I just could not fall asleep, I saw you… we went together towards the drawer, pulled out another shot and injected it. It hit me this time, and I never thought I will be able to sleep. I felt you placing my head in your lap, I am now sleeping the way I never did before. The way that brought me to you, in a world so new, that I could feel you again.

Your touch, your hair playing around your neck, your kiss, and your fingers entwined in mine. “And in this moment, I felt infinite…”

Some love stories need no beginning, need no explanation, need no backdrop nor details. They need intensity, intensity that can be shared in a few words and leave you contemplating what could have been, what was and what will be of them now. Some love stories exist only to end bitterly.

And that is why sometimes when we cannot be together, you need to know that it is enough to just know that you and I exist in this moment.

Apart but together. Different places but at one time.drug_overdose_by_pontaz92-d34aqfn

Love & Life

Doing the exact opposite!

Going Ultaa…

Tell everyone that you are totally over it. and that you are better off anyway. Stay in denial. Party really hard for days in a row. Go to the gym all day, start drinking at 5pm what are happy hours for right? and be an alcoholic by night. Tell everyone how you are sorted with everything and you’re too busy to be sad anyway.

Find out about your ex, then shrug and say ” Hmm like i care!” then order rounds of tequila shots. Just because you want to. Once you reach home break into dad’s bar and try some of his whiskey or any other intoxicant you can see! Go to your room, play the saddest songs you have, play them on loop. Cry the fuck out. Do like a performance for your eyes only, let your mascara run, let your hair be messed and obviously let your pajamas not match with your t-shirt. and if mumma or sister or room-mate walks in on you, simply increase the volume.

Play Phir-le-aya-dil or Feeling-blue or tere-bin-nahi-lagda-dil or try Shake it out by Florence and the machine! CRY. Cry some more.

Screw the gym, and the reading, stick to being an alcoholic for a few days. Send drunk messages to your friends, blame your crush to never have asked you out, blame everyone for not taking care of you. Let your family be pissed enough to actually hold a family and friends meeting, a serious discussion on your situation. Get the lesson loud and clear. Get drunk/stoned/wasted one last time.

Get back to your real self. Get a job. Get a life. Meet your friends actually, wish them on their birthdays. Plan outings with family. Eat normal ghar ka khana with them. Stay at home, feel lonely. Feel sad. Feel the emptiness. Finally start talking about what you feel, tell your friends how messed you are, you are not sorted, how you need them with you ALL THE TIME. Tell them to call you at night. speak on conference for over an hour about random crap so you don’t miss being on the phone.

Resist Alcohol. Don’t resist crying. Let it out. Once and for all this time.

Wake up depressed sometimes but know that things are already better and it will be perfect again. Dream all over again. Dream new dreams. Have new fantasies. Make new stories in your head.

One day you’ll wake up and realize that there is no pain any more. months later go through old pictures only to feel absolutely blank about them. And that is pure victory.

Say to yourself, “Hmm, so that’s how it feels to have moved on.”
Do a hair flip, play what makes you beautiful by one direction; Instagram a picture of your smiling face or the cute nail art you did or the new shoes you bought.

And have a good day. Better than you expected.

Love & Life

Are you in it for the Love?

It’s one of those conversations we need to have with our self. It’s one of those things that would shake you out of the mess you might have been in. Relationships are complicated at times, but mostly it is our own complexities that take us where we weren’t originally set out to be.

The following write up made our team sit up-stop-think about every relationship they are in, and why. While researching on the hunky-dory phase of a new relationship, we stumbled upon one such new love affair that had hit bottom in the first 40days! In just about 40 days they went from “I think I Like you” to “I Love You” to “I can’t deal with this anymore”. Before they reached a hundred likes on their relationship status change update, well, it changed again. Confused? So were we! Here’s the break-down.

We heard of a love affair that went on strong for almost three years, the ideal girl next door had gotten used to having him around, he being 8yrs older had always been her hero. Relationships like these can be either life changing or simply just like any other relationship. For reasons we failed to understand their love did not last. The girl tried all she could to get back to singleton, not because she was over him, but because she had grown too used to having him around.

Relationships which happen at ages like 18-20yrs can really be your foundation of love, and when they don’t go right you might lose faith in the whole idea. This relationship we stumbled upon had the girl going on to another relationship with a guy of her age, since she had left her last relationship at the stage where everything was extremely serious and committed she started exactly where she left off with this new person. Not realizing that every man who falls for you does not want to place you where his ex lover was, he wants to start afresh and fall in love with each thing you do. Each one of us deserve a chance to feel those butterflies, that floating feeling with new compliments and unending conversations and grow on to the next level. Here the girl did that, but did it too quickly in the need to fill that void. The void that her previous relationship left her with. Though we have read so many times about how loneliness leads to a lot of things which people would not do otherwise. This is the one thing that a lot of us do even without knowing it.

Are you a relationship junkie? do you see yourself getting in and out of relationships in the ultimate search of fulfillment of that void? Aren’t we being unfair to the people who get into an affair with us, with the thought of actually experiencing love and having a long term relationship? Currently the girl is back with her ex and plans to marry him, leaving the other guy pretty disturbed as to what the hell really happened; as he was in it for good, he put in his best and was even ready to stay committed and see how things go. Don’t be the reason for some-one’s un-happiness, “Do not do to others, what you do not want others to do, to you”.

Fall in love with someone for that person not because you are needy or can’t deal with being alone.

Only you being happy, will lead you to happy fulfilling relationships. For more gyaan on relationships and all things related to your heart do check out www.reviveyourrelations.com

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