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Love & Life

Friends No More. 

“I’m only one call away, I’ll be there to save the day; Superman got nothing on me, I’m only one call away”

These things we say to each other all the time like it’s nothing. The texts we send with a hundred emoticons, and the calls we make at 3am. The friends we are. I read an interesting article that described us as a generation of socialisers, not friends. Go-getters and fighters, not motivators or pushers. You know what I mean? We are the people who function not on emotion, or logic, or calculations or manipulations. We function purely and only on convenience.

No, I’m not blaming you or myself, I’m saying that most of the times we do it unknowingly, it feels so right to go with what is convenient we don’t even process the thought till it reaches “what will the other party involved feel”. We are not the thinkers, we are the do-ers. It does get pretty convenient to have your own gang, so you can continuously give #SquadGoals to the people who follow you. It’s convenient as you know each other so well, the vacation planning and executing is simpler. Friends for so many years you even know each others’ food orders and the exact drink the gang will like while celebrating another birthday or even a breakup. You stick together, most times because it’s just convenient. So convenient to not have to take efforts with someone new.

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Get to know a new set of people, no.

Make them know you, no.

Actually hang out with a new set of people and be concerned about whether you will fit in, hell no.

Our gangs can be as messed up as the Gossip Girls squad, or even be straight up fake just like they show in those high school movies, but we somehow stick together cause you know, convenience. Weekends are sorted, birthdays and special days don’t have to be stressed on, and if you’re lucky they’re even there when you need a shoulder to cry on.

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But here’s when you will be luckier; at the point where you’ll get sick of ‘convenience’ being the only reason you chose to stick around, or in some cases when they will walk away, cause you don’t fit in anymore. The reason can be just about anything, something you said or did or thought; or because there is a new convenience somewhere else. Here is your chance to know that F.R.I.E.N.D.S was only a TV show and you cannot be the Joey to the couple in your group; you can’t be the Rachel to a Monica who will help you build yourself and stay when you are at your worst, and even if she stays, one day you’re going to have to be on your own. Weekends indoors, dinners from take-out boxes and truckloads of alone time. Here is your chance to be your own ‘convenient’. Yes, you must get out and make some efforts now and again. But, on other days say no to plans you know that are made not because you are wanted, but just because of you know what. Say No, a lot more than you have all these years, choose yourself, choose your career, choose your family, choose anything that has a solid reason, not boredom, habit, or the ease of it.

Say No, a lot more than you have all these years, choose yourself, choose your career, choose your family, choose anything that has a solid reason, not boredom, habit, or the ease of it.

‘Friends’ thanks to the all these social networks calling every addition on the list as a ‘new friend’ is such a lose word. Don’t get lost in the blur of your snap chat and Instagram followers or the huge number of likes on your cool group picture. The WhatsApp groups are going to only make you miss the old times, where you thought everyone who said “I’m one call away” actually meant it. Let them go. Identify those who never gave up on you, those who you can’t ever seem to give up on. Those who choose you despite the inconvenience.

Even after they are married, or have moved away, those who face the time difference just to facetime with you at odd hours. That’s your tribe, hold them close. You are not 13 anymore, and in their late twenties they are all going to have somewhere else to be just as you will too. Make that difficult choice, don’t settle for people just cause they’re around or its less work. Fight for these few select people, they might not even stay in touch with you all the time, but you know they’ll be there.

bwFor the rest, well, even though the missing won’t stop; we’re friends no more.

Love & Life

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you’re happy; that’s such a lie. I hope you’re happy not without me though.

I thought I saw your car pass by, you in the drivers seat with your silly old glasses humming an annoying song and zooming way beyond speed limit.

I saw you by the window seat in one of our favourite cafes, eating watermelon feta cheese salad, one that I made you eat the first time.

I keep seeing you around town all the time, being completely oblivious to the fact that you don’t even stay in this city, you won’t really be here doing these things. Tell me one thing will you, would you not even stop by to say Hi if ever we cross paths again? Will you not give me a hug and ask me how I am doing?

So here’s something that no one ever told us about this damned age of technology, we have old photos to scroll for hours available on one touch, if we were brave enough to delete them from the gallery, there is always media history in the apps we use. There are location trackers and two million messages to read and eight different social media platforms that help you dive into sinful stalking and therefore either regret or feel the misery.

If we didn’t have all of this, firstly I think relationships would last longer, but if they didn’t atleast we wouldn’t take the effort to look at printed albums of horrible memories, but when everything is with you on this damn smartphone; where is the escape?

They said new experiences, new friends, new work projects will be my easy happy way out of you. Reality check: they either made me guilty of doing them without you, or make me want to call you and tell you all about it, or feel so majorly ridiculous that I just don’t want to do any of it. Travel alone is the top most overrated thing as of today, maybe it really gives you the ultimate taste of freedom, and new feelings and all that. But what if, making new memories alone is just as depressing and as refreshing for the very wounds you’re trying to escape?

Tell me one thing, would you be okay when I’ll look through you if ever we cross paths again? When I’ll not give you a hug, nor ask how you were doing. I can’t seem to accept the fact that you’re nowhere around me. I keep imagining you, I keep wanting you, I keep needing you, I keep loving you. I keep thinking about you, I keep drinking about you constantly obsessing about if you’re out there thinking about me too.

If I get nowhere in life, no dreams fulfilled, no awards, no fame, no coffees in Paris, but if you forgive me, if you forgive us, if I have your hand in mine again, I could die a happy woman. But hang on, Wait; here’s the thing about overrated stuff, not all of it is exaggerated. Although I’m pouring my heart out to you today, soon enough I’m going to be content, with no remorse, and truly happy for finally taking a stand for my life and for all you know, it will be the same technology and the same travel stories that lead me to fulfilling all my dreams that you once laughed on.

Love & Life

Closure: some got it and some never will.

As I cribbed to mom about going away somewhere to find “inner peace” she said “How can you possibly find it outside when it’s called “INNER” peace.” Most questions you’re striving to solve, have their answers hidden n the questions itself. Look harder she said.

I’ve read countless articles and watched too many movies that tell us how we need to cut out the toxic from our lives. The jobs, the places, the friends, the lovers. They said remove them all. Anything that does not make you happy should not be in your life. Anything that consumes you, makes you hate yourself needs to be deleted. So then we go ahead and do it. Sometimes with great courage and no future plans, we simply quit.

What nobody ever tells us about is what happens next. You know how some movies are entirely about how girl meets boy and they fall in love, it promptly ends on a wedding scene and it’s assumed that there is a happily ever after. And there are the new age films that show you a dysfunctional relationship and how unhappy the people are which promptly ends at the break-up scene and a confident walk assumably the happily ever after. How do some marriages end up in a divorce? How does one deal with rebounds, and loneliness after a long relationship? What if there is a ‘Happily Never After’ ? Loved ones are lost, relationships break, sometimes you don’t quit-you get fired. Sometimes you are not free, you are left out. Even after being the decider.

With the extremely strong examples around us, of choosing to be happy even if that causes sadness to someone else. What happens after we make the decision to remove the toxic? Something that consumed you all day, all night; someone that kept you on my toes with expectations to be met, work to be done, justifications to be given and also to be a certain way is gone. You chose this. It gave you happiness, yes, momentarily. But it makes people lonely. People these days leave so easily, with not even as much as a last conversation. Then begins this unending wait for closure. The what ifs, the I should have said this, the- we should have done that…and thoughts that start filling up the void. The void you didn’t even know you were going to face. Considering, all you ever wanted was freedom, well now that you have it, what do you do with it?

How many trips are going to take? How much alcohol can your body intake? Won’t you get tired of being fake? Will you go crawling back to what you left? or will you just sit there and wait for closure? Over the years, we’ve seen times of impulsive behaviour, times that we were completely at fault and times that we finally stepped up and took a stand. These actions are inevitably followed by guilt, or regret, or vulnerability, for a bit. Till the time we put everything on hold and expect a miraculous happy ending. Till the time you kept looking to getaway to find inner peace. Closure, I’ve realised, is not always a face off, a call, a letter or an email. Closure is accepting yourself for what has happened. Sometimes forgiving the other party in the picture is needed, to finally let go of the grudge. Sometimes forgiving yourself and trying to be better.

It is the most difficult task to do, forgiving yourself or loving yourself. Cause hate comes so easy, it brings it other negative feelings too. Closure from anything that is bothering you is already within you waiting to be simply accepted. The answers are within you, not in the gyaan sort of way, but really. Take in a long deep breath and be prepared for each day as it comes. Soon there will come a time when you’ll be too busy to hold and analyse your past. Till then, let go of those silly expectations, they never come true anyway. Be your own healer. Be Jugni.

 

Love & Life Uncategorized

Don’t be gentle, when you leave. Tear me apart.

When our time comes, which you know it does so often. Don’t be gentle when you leave.

When we say goodbye for one last time, don’t say a goodbye, say something hurtful with hate.

When I look up to you with craving eyes, make the face of disgust and walk away.

When I beg you to call me,  or hear me just once. Bang the phone and block me.

When I text you telling you that we should rethink this, don’t ever bother replying.

When you hear of me crying over you, go celebrate and don’t forget to do a social media campaign around it.

When I’m fallen on the ground, don’t offer me your hands. Kick some dust and storm away.

So when our time comes, don’t try to be heroic. Crumple my paper heart and dump it.

Because, we both know, if you leave gently, I’ll follow you around like a lovesick puppy. If you leave so gently, my heart will make you see a make believe home where we can make things work. I will build us a dream that will be hard to escape.

If you leave gently, I will ask you to stay.

They all said we wouldn’t last, they said this will fade away. We proved them wrong and stayed strong, only for us to eventually fray. It was paradise, it was war-zone. So I said when you leave me, don’t be gentle. tear me apart so I won’t beg you to stay.

Why then am I so hurt when you merely did what I asked you to do? Our mind can be a hell of its own kind, it makes me constantly believe if I turned you into this or were you always this way.

Hurry up now, don’t stop, don’t look back to see the salt on my cheeks. You are almost there, go dive into another heart and forget that we ever existed.

And hey, when you leave her, remember, don’t be gentle, don’t make her ask you to stay.

Love & Life

Your search ends here, I found Happy.

It’s easy to be beautiful looking, it’s something else to be the one that makes you happy. So amongst all the compliments you shower me with, here’s one i keep waiting to hear. “You make me so happy” it’s like the ultimate award, the only golden star i need, to feel that however wrong things might be, if I succeed at keeping you happy, I succeed at life.

We all have our relationships, those that make us sad, some that make us revengeful, some that make us angry, some helpless, some sexy and rare ones that make us happy. It is these relationships that bring us back to our original self when we are down in the dump about work or career or just about anything else. This man or this woman who picks us up and makes us feel so validated that everything seems ok. Seems good. Good enough to go another day. To see another day of crashing stock markets, annoying bosses, terrible school time, another day feeling a little less lonely and a little more hopeful.

Our happy maker is the one who uses the right words at the time. A cheesy pick up line just before you ask them to get you a drink in the club, a bollywood dialogue just when you are about to step out of the house, a text message with lyrics to a song that describes how happy they are all because of you. This happy maker is the reason you experience a giggle between massive tears, a blush in a serious situation, a tingling sensation at the back of your neck, or an endless stupid smile on your face. Your happy maker can be in the very room that you are sitting in, he or she can be far away and still making you very happy, he/she can also be someone who comes and goes in your life but never fails to leave you happier. With all the books we read and the movies we watch we struggle to find our happy maker, and then one day you receive a message that says “You change my life with your presence, you are my sunshine” and that’s when you look into the mirror and realise that ‘YOU’ are the one. And maybe the world needs less people looking for happiness and more of us just being happy.

As we relaunch Jugni & Co. we urge you to step out of your little box of issues, spread some sunshine, make someone so happy that your silly little box feels invalid. Because, if I succeed at keeping you happy, I succeed at life. I am the happy maker, I am Jugni.

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Love & Life

Feels and Chills.

Sometimes a simple text can give you goosebumps, a long overdue apology, an unexpected “I really love you” message, or one which describes thoughts, that seem stolen from your own head. The goosebumps are real.d6921f10b25de2103860ddc0919c2345

Sometimes a mundane moment can make you feel absolutely blissed out. When you are lying in bed, wondering how can everything feel this perfect. Like what did I ever do so right to deserve this. When you order in room service, and eat a hearty breakfast in crisp white bathrobes, by the pool in the winter sunshine. The bliss is real.Four-Seasons-Hotel-Singapore_CouplesFloor

Sometimes, the current you feel from another person is not static, it is a legit spark you feel in every cell within your body that screams out to tell you something big. Like, ‘this is it’. A peck on the cheek, especially when you are blushing like crazy, a peck so intense on your tiny little dimple. A deep kiss on his shoulder, taking in all that magical perfume. Not turning on, but just enough to make you dizzy. The electricity is real.

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When Jai said it to Meera, “yeh tum wali feeling”, “aadat”. When Ranveer and Tia hugged for the first time, and when Armaan and Riddhima confessed their love. When he finally held me and pressed his lips against my forehead, and when I was too shy to look up, he kissed my head again with the same intensity. That Imtiaz Ali level romance is ‘Feels and Chills’ And that moment when it hits you, when you realise that is ‘the kick’ you have been waiting for, when you know you found the purpose of your life, to keep someone at peace, happy, making their heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

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Does it happen to you, when you hold hands in the car? Or when you hug for more than ten seconds and don’t want to let go? Does it happen to you that when you experience these feels and chills, you know that your soul is still there at that place,in that moment and your bodies have moved away? Does it give you sleepless nights, thinking of what could have been, or would we ever be better than this?

Feels and chills are real. Those that give us, defining moments. Those rare countable on your fingertips moments, which make your heart take over everything else. That moment in a concert when you just let it all go and jump to a 128bpm song, that moment when you down your third LIT in a crowded club and truly let your hair down. That moment, when you know, you and him will never be just friends again. That moment, that changes a tiny bit inside you forever. A moment that will never be undone, cause you won’t let it fade away from your memory.

I wish all of you, more feels and chills and life-defining moments. I wish that ecstatic microsecond that you once felt, comes alive in every sense and never ever let you forget how majestic you are. How miraculous your relationships are. How magical this life is.

And you silly, you are Magic. You are Jugni.

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All images from google.

Love & Life

Everything you do is out of fear. Don’t believe it, read on.

Fear, he said to me was only a form of anger. Fear, was also what eventually turned into hatred. Fear is what damages any relationship, even the one we have with ourselves.

Have you ever wondered about all the things you do simply because of fear? You all have been living out of fear. Your relationships are out of fear. Fear is so overwhelming – like a dark cloud covering your life – that you say things which you don’t want to say, but fear makes you say them. You do things which you do not want to do, but fear makes you do them.

fear (n)- An unpleasant emotion caused by danger, pain or harm.
It makes it possible to love someone, you actually are better without. It makes it possible to be in a place you really should not. It makes you do all the things you never wanted yourself to do. Fear is so powerful, that it can even make you feel like all those things you did were out of love and not fear. It consumes you, decides your actions and even controls your thoughts.
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Haven’t we heard stories of people going to lengths only in the fear of losing someone. Lies, betrayal, anger, cheating, running away are all taking over our lives because of the fear of being hurt, fear of not winning, fear of not being accepted. Getting that bizarre haircut or tattoo, eating at that fancy place, dressing a certain way or trying to like a certain thing, it’s what we all did or still do in the fear of acceptance.
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We fear that we’ll lose out on something better and hence don’t value where we are right now. Or the people we are with right now. And sometimes or rather most of the times we do the opposite of that. We fear tht we might never find someone better and that’s why we kill ourself trying to be someone we are not, just to maintain this fake peace. This fake relationship. Everybody you have come in contact with has been imposing fear on you, because fear is the antithesis of freedom. The more fear you have in you, the less is the possibility of freedom. The more fear is there, the less is the possibility of rebellion
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The things we love most, the things we enjoy most are the only things we are not afraid of. Shift to the paradigm of love. Shut down the paradigm of fear. Focus on what you want and not what you don’t want. When you are asked not to think of a pink elephant, what do you do?, you think of a pink elephant. That’s exactly how the paradigm of fear works, you focus on what you don’t want and land up getting exactly that. If you constantly remind yourself how badly you don’t want to piss off someone you love, it will invariably happen. They will be pissed off and pin the fault on you. You operated from the paradigm of fear. If you would only focus on having a happy day, there are higher chances that you do.
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Fear makes you not believe your inner voice, it changes you, makes you somebody you are not really proud of. Don’t let it take over your life. Move out of parasitic relationships, messy jobs and unhappy places. Be someone you’d fall in love with. Someone loving and joyful, not fearing and stressful.
And when you’ve done that, don’t forget to get someone else out of the fear spiral too. Stay fearless. Stay Jugni.
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As Osho said,

“Don’t follow your fear instinct, because that is going to make you a coward. It degrades your humanity. It is a humiliation imposed by yourself. Whenever you see some fear, go against it! A simple criterion: whenever you see there is fear, go against it and you will be always moving, growing, expanding, coming closer to the moment when ego simply drops – because its whole functioning is through fear. And the absence of the ego is enlightenment; it is not something plus.
“Just a simple principle: remember, anything that makes you afraid, fearful, is a clear indication of what you have to do. You have to do just the opposite. You are not to become a follower of fear, you have to fight your fear. The moment you decide to fight your fear, you are on the way towards enlightenment.”
Love & Life

Long Days, Longer Thoughts.

The girl who paces up and down between her landline and computer while constantly checking her phone. Am i becoming that girl? desperately waiting for a call, for a message, for a sign that he’s into me you might think. Umm. It’s anything but that. Pacing to and fro all these devices to delete all traits of any communication that I might have had with any human being with a dick. Pardon me for the choice of words, doubting me did not come with logical explanations such as the guy should be about my age, he should be single, he should be physically around me. He need not even be fully alive for my man to doubt my intentions with any one who is a male.

A married client, a 50 year old acquaintance, an employer who is sitting countries away or someone random guy adding me on Facebook. These are only a few instances that make him doubt me, so the phone checking, the call log screening and the trick questions are always happening. It’s not completely his fault, i mean who said a guy is fully crazy that he would do this without a reason. There is no smoke without some fire right?  Yes conversations with men around me are a tad bit informal but that’s simply to hit off an equation that makes work or anything else easier, but is it right for him to scrutinise? So I may have been having repeated conversations with old crushes and a couple of new people who are extra friendly, so am I. He laid his eyes on these conversations and has never been able to trust me again. Infinite apologies and multiple instances of blocking people have all led him to continue doubting my intentions and fuelling his feeling of insecurity.

Point being, an insecure person then does all the things to keep the partner all to himself. Do these things actually get the brownie points of being genuine efforts? or is it all a gimmick to stop the partner from going astray. Insecurity can be pinned as the core concern of my relationship. All I do is an effort to make him feel like I am worthy of his trust and all he does his to make me feel like i do not need any body else. This has been going on for so long that we do not remember our real feelings anymore. It’s that unhealthy habit, which we might or might not ever be able to get out of.

I can hear him shouting my name from downstairs, it’s going to be a good Sunday date. Elaborate plan you know, breakfast and shopping and a movie to end the evening with. Another effort, another day in love.

Rightly put, relationships are hard work, if i really would be so worked up about his insecure ways I would not work so hard on this. And if he really would be so insecure wouldn’t he have left me by now?

P.S: This is a continuation from https://jugniandco.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/long-nights-longer-thoughts/ and is a work of fiction, we might run the whole story for you soon.

Here at Jugni and Co. Stay Tuned.

Love & Life

Doing the exact opposite!

Going Ultaa…

Tell everyone that you are totally over it. and that you are better off anyway. Stay in denial. Party really hard for days in a row. Go to the gym all day, start drinking at 5pm what are happy hours for right? and be an alcoholic by night. Tell everyone how you are sorted with everything and you’re too busy to be sad anyway.

Find out about your ex, then shrug and say ” Hmm like i care!” then order rounds of tequila shots. Just because you want to. Once you reach home break into dad’s bar and try some of his whiskey or any other intoxicant you can see! Go to your room, play the saddest songs you have, play them on loop. Cry the fuck out. Do like a performance for your eyes only, let your mascara run, let your hair be messed and obviously let your pajamas not match with your t-shirt. and if mumma or sister or room-mate walks in on you, simply increase the volume.

Play Phir-le-aya-dil or Feeling-blue or tere-bin-nahi-lagda-dil or try Shake it out by Florence and the machine! CRY. Cry some more.

Screw the gym, and the reading, stick to being an alcoholic for a few days. Send drunk messages to your friends, blame your crush to never have asked you out, blame everyone for not taking care of you. Let your family be pissed enough to actually hold a family and friends meeting, a serious discussion on your situation. Get the lesson loud and clear. Get drunk/stoned/wasted one last time.

Get back to your real self. Get a job. Get a life. Meet your friends actually, wish them on their birthdays. Plan outings with family. Eat normal ghar ka khana with them. Stay at home, feel lonely. Feel sad. Feel the emptiness. Finally start talking about what you feel, tell your friends how messed you are, you are not sorted, how you need them with you ALL THE TIME. Tell them to call you at night. speak on conference for over an hour about random crap so you don’t miss being on the phone.

Resist Alcohol. Don’t resist crying. Let it out. Once and for all this time.

Wake up depressed sometimes but know that things are already better and it will be perfect again. Dream all over again. Dream new dreams. Have new fantasies. Make new stories in your head.

One day you’ll wake up and realize that there is no pain any more. months later go through old pictures only to feel absolutely blank about them. And that is pure victory.

Say to yourself, “Hmm, so that’s how it feels to have moved on.”
Do a hair flip, play what makes you beautiful by one direction; Instagram a picture of your smiling face or the cute nail art you did or the new shoes you bought.

And have a good day. Better than you expected.