Was thinking of taking a nap, before my night duty begins. It’s a dirty feeling to not be able to roll in to bed whenever I feel like. He likes to talk late in the night. We need to talk about how wrong a person I am, how I have ruined his life, and more of how terribly dishonest I am.
So I was honest with him, when I said how unhappy I was and how I don’t see a future. He worked a way around that. He made me believe how I need to work hard on myself, to make him fall in love with me so then he could work on keeping me happy. Wow. Mind. Blown.
Why don’t we just breakup, you might think? Well I tried, he thinks he’s being a hero and saving the relationship when it feels like he is caging me. He needs me to understand that this is Love, that this is simply his undying affection for me. He likes games. I had thought of that as a good thing, but the games he plays are far from what I had in mind. Mind games, not the simple one or two stories here and there but well planned, plotted manipulative master plans are his forte. Guilt and fear are his two big cards I have figured. Either he can incept a seed of guilt in me for doing or rather even wanting to do a certain thing, or he can instill a serious dose of fear in me like hurting himself or even reaching out to my loved ones. It’s sad how having been in a wonderful close knit family, I hate myself enough for not coming clean in front of my parents or even close friends. Why? Don’t you see it, their first question will be if I’m happy in this, I’m clearly not. I think. Then there are times when my plea for the break-up reaches a point where I use his tactics on him, I threaten him that I will kill myself. Then he says, “OK I’ll leave you. But do not hurt yourself, cause I love you too much. So much that I can even leave you.”
And that is actually the masterstroke. This is the moment where I drop the fight and I feel privileged enough to have him, I need this love. I need him around. Even if it is to suck the life out of me, I realize how twisted we both are. He brings out the worst in me, but don’t I do the same to him? It’s a question that haunts me and as we drag each other into a new night of fights I’m forced to think how nice he is as a friend to his friends, even my friends quite like him as a person. You know I recently watched Gone Girl, and I could not digest the fact that even after all those lies, fights and drama he chose to stay with her. For the world, for their image, for future or simply because of habit.
We grow old with people, we grow into each other’s goods and bads, we become like each other. We see the world like they see it too, we treat each other badly but only feel comfort when we are with each other. I read a hundred different love stories, so many fairytales, they never ever said that Love can become an unhealthy habit. A habit that you cannot quit, like smoking or drinking, a habit that changes who you are completely. And till the time you fully cut off from it, you’ll never know what you really want.
My phone is ringing now, maybe answering the call in a happy tone will save me from tonight’s bout, maybe I could play on the big meeting I have tomorrow, or maybe tonight will be the night where I realize that he is still the only one I want.
12.01am – Signing out.
P.S: This is a (part of) work of fiction, and we might run the whole story for you soon.
Here at Jugni and Co. Stay Tuned.